


The Essence of an Absence

by alienpoetry



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Poetry, Teenagers, a good amount of lying lol, idk......, swear words??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:23:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7556392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienpoetry/pseuds/alienpoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has a dumb crush on an oblivious best friend, a poetry blog and a boyfriend that doesn't exist. (Dan also learns how to lie to Phil and can't tell when to stop.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Essence of an Absence

**Author's Note:**

> all the poetry in this is written by me thats why it's amateur sounding im sorz i just didn't feel comfortable with taking other people's poems

_A benign tempest dwells deep in the fissures of my palms,_  
_Showing my burning shadow how to get home,_  
_Kissing away the gaping void in my mind,_ _  
_ Caressing my tender bones

 _Until all that’s left is a gulf where my sternum should be,_ _  
_ _Filled with an absence of you and the presence of you._

_\-  D. H_

* * *

Dan spills flowery chains of his internal monologue across the screen. It’s a bubble-gum painted, caramel tasting drawl of infatuation fuelled drivel and inane thoughts. It’s the product of the foolish simplicity of having a crush. It’s catharsis, mostly.

* * *

 

“Phil?”  
  
“Hey! Your mum let me up.” Phil sits on the edge of Dan’s bed.  
  
“Okay, give me a minute alright, I need to go deal with the laundry.”  
  
“Okay, sure. Hey, can I borrow your laptop then?”  
  
“Yeah, go ahead.”

* * *

Once Dan is finished, he traipses into his room, hollering, “Okay! Let’s play some Mario Kart!”

  
Phil jumps up a little and visibly tenses for a second. Dan hears a few prompt clicks of the mouse and Phil slams the laptop shut in a manner so abrupt that it causes Dan to raise an eyebrow.  
  
“Hey Phil, I’d really appreciate it if you don’t _murder_ my laptop, thanks.” Dan comments offhand, jokingly but doesn’t read further into Phil’s strange reaction.

“Uh… Sorry.” Phil apologises, sheepish and almost in a daze.  
  
Dan tries not to read into the lack of a witty comeback.

* * *

An unusual silence flits down and washes over them like a tide. It isn’t uncomfortable, per se. Dan thinks discomfort is basically an abstract concept in a friendship of nearly six years. However the lack of a back and forth momentum in conversation and the presence of a banter-free stillness makes Mario Kart seem almost dreadful and tedious.

  
Dan tries to punctuate holes in the silence with ridiculous comments and ill-timed sarcasm but Phil’s unfazed, his replies monosyllabic, his mind as if sedated and swaying him into a lethargic, drowsy haze.  
  
After a few attempts of trying to wheedle conversation out of Phil, Dan gives up and allows the quiet to swell up gradually, letting it gush into every nook of the room. Even best friends need space to breath properly, sometimes. Dan focuses on the whirring of game console and the dings and ‘wa-hoo’s of the game, he accedes to Phil’s unspoken request for silence.

* * *

Phil’s standing at Dan’s doorway about to leave but his eyes are staring into the distance, detached and downcast, his back slightly hunched.

“Hey Dan, we’re best friends right?”  
  
Dan rolls his eyes and scoffs. “No, I actually hate your guts.”  
  
“No seriously, you don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything you know that right? I’ll always be here.”  
  
“Yeah, okay. I know.” Dan states seriously for a second but his tone transitions into one of confusion, “But no, wait, what’s with the sudden sentimental bullshit… Are you… okay?”

Phil widens his eyes and immediately interjects, “No! No! I’m fine.”

Dan’s calling it complete bollocks but he doesn’t pry, Phil will tell him if anything’s the matter. That, he is certain. Trust works in tandem with space.

“Well, see you tomorrow then.”  
  
“Yeah. See you.”  
  
And with that, Phil’s out the door, his footsteps audible as he shuffles along the pavement, Dan watches him till he fades into a silhouette.

* * *

Once he closes the door, Dan bounds to his bedroom, remembering he had a poem he was working on. When the screen blinks on, however, the tab was gone.

Sharp, acute realisation hits him square in the face and _oh._

He quickly brings up his internet history and realises the past few web pages visited were, _of course_ , his poetry blog and that suddenly explained so much. The title of the blog ‘ _poems by a boy, for a boy’_ followed by posts upon posts of sappy drawls of emotions and feelings screamed at him and suddenly as bitter realisation had sunk in, nausea struck like a slap across the face. His cheeks flare a little from embarrassment. He grabs his phone and texts Phil.

Today 7:14 PM

_skype?_

Phil’s reply was almost instantaneous, like he’d expected a text.

Today 7:14 PM

 _Sure._  


* * *

When Phil appears on the screen, the brightness of the screen caresses his face, makes it look even warmer, kinder but that’s Dan’s biased perception of Phil talking. Phil waves and Dan finds himself at a loss on where to start, where to steer the conversation. The grainy, pixelated quality of the image does not help in alleviating any of the anxiety Dan feels.

“Uh. Hi.”  
  
Phil’s face is an open book. It falls and it’s obvious Dan knows that _he_ knows. The atmosphere shifts.

“Dan. About what I said earlier… I don’t want you to think you have to feel pressured into telling me anything you know? I’m sorry. I… I’m not a very good friend, I just don’t want you to have to bottle up everything and think that you’re alone. Because… You’re not.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I’m fine. I think I want to tell you though.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“So…” Dan takes a deep breath, “I’m bi.”  
  
“Okay. That’s okay.” Phil tries to convey naturally but it comes out slightly stilted.  
  
Phil’s face doesn’t change and his eyes emotionless, guarded almost. It’s so neutral that Dan feels anxiety pricking him with tiny needles in his chest; the savage anticipation of rejection. And after what seemed like an eternity or two of being plunged in silence, them just staring at each other, across the screens, Phil pipes up, uncertain yet reassuring.

“I… Think… I’m bi too.”

This renders Dan speechless because this was never a response he’d expected. He’d expected the inevitable ‘ _do you like anyone?’_ but Phil’s response well, it’s a strange relief. Dan finds himself spotting a smile, casual and effortless.

“Oh. Cool.” Dan tries feigning nonchalance but his heart is pounding in his ears, he feels weightless and he’d like to pretend like he doesn’t know why. (He definitely knows why; it comes in the form of a simple syllogism: Phil likes boys, Dan’s a boy, and that means Phil _may_ like Dan someway, somehow. Dan thinks those odds look optimistic.)

A winsome smile appears on Phil’s face and the awkwardness dissipates almost as soon as it had set in.

Phil doesn’t ask anymore questions related to what was said and he talks about a new TV show he’d started watching. Everything settles back into the space between them, Dan feels the uncomplicated normalcy drape around him like a blanket, it is warm, it is enough.  

* * *

Dan checks the location of people on his blog that night. There’s someone on it who’s from his city. He feel like he knows who it might be. He finds the courage to make a new post.

* * *

 

 _My name feels safe under your tongue,_ _  
_ _My presence feels safe, hiding in the caverns of your skull._

 _Please, let me lay here for awhile._  
_Let me roam your mind and_ _  
_ I promise I’ll stay lost as long as you’re willing to let me.

_\- D. H_

 

* * *

 

Phil comes bounding up to Dan after school the next day with a flicker of excitement in his eyes, a Phil Lester signature almost and he’s practically floating with his air of giddy enchantment.

“Emma asked me out!” He smirks.  
  
Dan’s stomach drops because well, _okay, fuck._ The high Dan rode on yesterday now sends him crashing down, deep into a fathomless abyss.

“Oh! That’s great! Did you say ‘yes’?” Dan endeavours to don the happiest expression he can muster.

“Yeah, of course! She’s pretty, she’s smart. Dan, you don’t understand, she’s just so… so… nice.” Phil’s eyes are off in a daze and it’s a look that arises when infatuation sits behind your irises and consumes your rational mind. Sadly, something Dan is no stranger to.

“Oh.” Phil snaps out of his gaze and his face scrunches up apprehensively. “I… I need to cancel on our gaming plans this friday.”  
  
Dan’s face visibly falls and he starts making mental notes about improving on the way he emotes.

“O-oh. Uh, it’s alright.” Dan assures him but Phil raises an eyebrow.  
  
“Are you sure? I mean… I feel really bad. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”  
  
“Phil, just go on your date okay. It so happens that I have plans too.” Dan lies cooly.

“Oh…” Phil expresses skeptically, “Uh… With who?”  
  
“My boyfriend.” Dan blurts.  
  
And, _seriously fuckfuckfuck._ Dan starts hearing an alarm ringing in his ear like a malfunction occurred somewhere in his nervous system. It feels too much like water gushing into his throat, like he’s drowning, like there’s no exit.  
  
“Oh.” Phil’s eyes widen and he doesn’t try to contain his shock.  
  
Dan nods and tries to appear unaffected by every word exchanged in the past five minutes.

“Do I know him?” Phil adds.  
  
“Jesus, Phil. I don’t have to tell you everything, you know that right?” Dan snaps. He bites the inside of his cheek so hard, it’s a wonder he doesn’t draw blood.

Phil flinches a little, obviously startled by Dan’s unusually defensive demeanor.  
  
“Oh. Uh, alright. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?” Phil hastily walks past Dan and every inch of calm in Dan vanishes as he sets his gaze on Phil’s shrinking silhouette, letting worry and disappointment barge in uninvited, relentlessly and ruthlessly.  

* * *

 

_I detest:_

_The way words can’t._

_The way words can._

_The way words ricochet like bullets._

_The way apologies aren’t bandages._

_The way you looked when my words sunk in._

_I don’t detest:_  
_  
You._

_\- D. H_

 

* * *

After the incident, Dan concludes that Phil is definitely avoiding him. Dan knows this and knows he deserved it, really.

Dan can’t erase the image of the way his words scathed Phil and the look on Phil’s face as he walked away. Guilt sinks him, pushing him lower like a deadweight.

Dan’s left to think about the mess he’d created and part of him is relieved that Phil now thinks the poems are about another boy, Dan’s boyfriend apparently, but it sure would help if this boyfriend actually existed.

Every night since then restless waves of sleep take over him and as he tosses and turns, the guilt never leaves, it’s always there, invasive, haunting.

So, he decides to confide in someone.

* * *

“It’s not _that_ bad, really.” Louise assuages.

“How is it not that bad?” Dan exclaims, “I was an asshole to my best friend, a best friend who, may I remind you, I have a dumb crush on, who’s gone off on a date with another girl and mostly, thinks I have a boyfriend, who doesn’t exist!”  
  
“Okay. Okay.” Louise replies, “You really know how to make a mess of things, don’t you Dan?”  
  
“Louise! You are supposed to help me, not remind me of how inept I am at being human.”  
  
“Right. Okay, I’m thinking.” Louise says. “Why don’t you apologise then just… tell him the truth?”  
  
“Are you insane? I can’t do that. That’s so fucking embarrassing, oh my God. Maybe I’ll just tell him we broke up or something.”  
  
“Or…” Louise drags on, “You can make use of this to… Make him a little jealous, you know?”  
  
“What? And continue lying to him?”

“I mean… it isn’t a bad idea and if it things get unexpectedly worse, _then_ you can tell him you’ve broken up.”

Dan starts thinking about it and feels bad for even considering how enticing the idea actually sounds.  
  
“I…” Dan hesitates, “This is so wrong…”

“But now you want to do it.” Dan doesn’t miss the smirk Louise is sure to be spotting over the phone.

“I mean…” Dan contemplates, “What makes you think he’d even get jealous? He really likes Emma!”  
  
“Dan…” Louise sighs. “It’ll work. I know you. I know Phil. And… Just… Trust me okay. It’ll work.”

* * *

 

 _Can we go back to the part where you unintentionally plant daffodils in my lungs_ _  
_ _And I forget that it’s only an ache, a blur and a longing?_

_-D. H_

* * *

It’s only been a week but Dan’s starting to sense Phil’s absence. It’s only so apparent, like it’s a glaring mistake because he’s never gone so long without even a simple text from Phil. He’s starting to miss the random warthog emojis and weird anecdotes. He misses having conversations with Phil that flow spontaneously and naturally. The way that when he’s with Phil, it’s just _logical,_ everything is logical.

So, that night, he takes his phone and sends a message to Phil. He can’t sit around wallowing in his guilt anymore.

Today, 10:41 PM  
_im sorry, can we talk?_  
  
Phil’s reply takes a while but it comes.

Today, 11:32 PM

 _Okay, tomorrow after school._  
  
Phil ends the text with an emoji of the dancing twins and Dan still finds it in him to smile.

* * *

Phil finds Dan the next day after school ends and he’s missing his signature glimmer in his eyes, a dampened spirit in place of where it used to be.

  
Phil gives a small smile when he meets Dan’s eyes.

“Look, Phil. I’m sorry. I snapped at you that day. I really didn’t mean to. I was just a little… Stressed out from school.” The statement lacks conviction but Dan finds Phil nodding anyway.

“No, I shouldn’t have pried. I know sometimes, we aren’t ready to talk about certain things and I shouldn’t have pushed you into talking the way I did. Especially after I said I won’t pressure you.”

Dan gulps and feels a greater guilt wash over him, cradle him, carry him away from shore. “No. I was being a twat. I’m sorry, okay. Let’s forget it happened?” Dan offers.

Phil nods and grins like it’s already been wiped from his memory.

* * *

They’re walking home together after a week of feeling the brunt of each other’s absence and it’s the definition of comfort, placid comfort.

“So… How’d your date go?” Dan asks. Curiosity overwhelming the best of him.

“Oh! It was good like _really good._ Emma’s really sweet. I think… I really like her.” Phil confesses, sheepishly.

Dan’s mouth turns bitter. _Curiosity killed the fucking cat, didn’t it?_

“Oh.” Dan says and in a sudden rush adds, “My date went pretty well too.”  
  
“Really? That’s great, Dan! Maybe we can even go on a double date one day?” Phil suggests.  
  
“No!” Dan replies suspiciously fast, stunning Phil. “I mean… J-Jack’s shy, like very shy. Yeah, gets super ansty around new people. Introverted as fuck. Hates socialising. Like, a lot.”  
  
“Oh.”

“I don’t…” Dan sighs, he think he’s already gone so far, there’s nothing to lose. “Phil… You’re my best friend okay? I trust you. I really do. I’m sorry I’ve been so defensive when it comes to Jack. It’s just that… Uh, he’s at university right now so it’s long distance and i-it’s just hard you know?”

Dan finds Phil nodding sympathetically and when Phil starts consoling him with that gentle gaze of his, Dan knows he doesn’t deserve someone as understanding as Phil in his life, someone that’ll be so ready to reconstruct the walls that have collapsed around him. He feels like he's waiting for an implosion.

* * *

 

 _You’re a summer filled ghost trapped in my attic,_  
_I’m sorry you have to linger this way._ _  
_ But you’re incandescent and

_I never got used to the darkness._

_-D. H_

**Author's Note:**

> this was written to clear my writer's block so it's like eh and i might not find the motivation to continue lol idk im just ???
> 
> ravehowell on tumblr :-)


End file.
